for a minute there i lost myself...
(and those of you who are fans of radiohead as i will understand what i mean)
yes, it's been a rather long break since my last blog adventure. over five months. it's hard to actually sum up what i've been doing in that time, as it's not incredibly interesting. i guess the perfect place to start is to explain what was going on in my head when i was writing those blogs, and during that period in my fabulously fabulous life.
it's almost needless to say that i was suffering from depression whilst publishing my previous blog entries. the technical term for my illness was a 'major depressive episode'. i had assumed at the time my episode had begun around late december, but upon reflection i believe the trigger was coming back from my holiday in italy at the end of october last year to realise that i had been living the wrong life, that everything that i thought was a constant was utterly and totally wrong for me.
my healing took me a good six-nine long months, during which there were times i didn't understand why things were taking so long, and why i couldn't just wake up feeling better and back to my old self of several years prior. i don't have anything against depression medication, nor against the people who take it, but i was adamant i wanted to do this all my own. i wanted to be the key to my happiness. i wanted to fix myself. and eventually, i did, with the assistance of a supportive family and friend network, as well as some professional care. as mentioned, i was seeing a psychologist and councellor. i credit them both as the driving forces in the restoration of my mental health, and the return of my (for lack of a better word) sanity.
looking back and re-reading this almost forgotten blog is a real journey for me. even though i wrote the entries, experienced the emotions, and lived all the incidents that i wrote of, it's as if i was out of my real life, my body, and possibly my mind. everything in my life at that time was subject to a 'snowball effect' - it started with something relatively small just snowballed and took every single minuscule incident with it, making everything out to be so much bigger and worse than they really were.
i am very pleased to say that i am well and truly cured, have weathered the storm so to speak, and have allowed the 'episode' to run it's course and come to a conclusion. i feel incredible now, empowered, and am very happy within myself. it's as if i have erased all the negativity i experienced from almost two years ago, and am back to the point just before it all started to go wrong and become very complicated.
only this time i'm stronger, wiser and happier.